Ratchet & Clank as Humans in 2016
by The Writing Running Nerd
Summary: A retelling of the first Ratchet & Clank game, except Ratchet and Clank are Humans, and the year is 2016. Constructive criticism is much appreciated!
1. Veldin: Arizona

I was bored. I'd been sitting in my room with a PlayStation 2 but I'd played all the games and beaten them several times. I live alone, but I used to be an orphan. I ran away from the orphanage when I was fourteen years old, and bought an apartment in a desert neighborhood in Arizona, called Johnson Ranch in the city of San Tan Valley. I used to go walk around a lot, but I've seen it all. And my job as a mechanic wasn't fun either. But one day, my life changed entirely. A new kid sort of… appeared. I don't entirely know where he came from, but he was somehow different. Smarter. And he was really kind of short and scrawny, too. He said his name was Robert, but his friends and mother called him Clank. He got the nickname because he liked to build things and often used a small hammer that made a "clank" on the metal he was building with. We shook hands and I told him I didn't really have a name at the orphanage, but they called me Ratchet because I liked to work on cars and I needed a ratchet tool to do that, even though the tool I used most was a wrench. But we kind of became friends, especially after he helped me fix the starting mechanism in my car that I'd built.

I didn't know what was wrong, but he took a look at it and said, "You're missing a piece of the ignition system. You need an ignition switch, and I've got one. I'll give it to you if you take me here." He pointed to an area on the GPS system in the car. It was near California, about 3 hours of travel.

"Deal," I said, and he put the ignition switch in place.

"Ready?" I asked Clank, with a set of tools in the back, mainly a giant wrench that I'd invented, called the Omniwrench. Clank got in the passenger's side and I left the driveway. We started a conversation, and after a while, I sort of forgot we were in a car.

I took both my hands off the wheel to help me talk, and Clank said, "Please, Ratchet, return your hands to the steering wheel. You are making me uncomfortable." I looked over at him and noticed, for the first time, his freckled face, black hair, and bright green eyes. He was wearing a gray shirt with jeans and small black shoes. I looked back at the road, but I'd stared at him so long that he'd noticed. In turn, he stared back at me, probably looking at my blond hair, grease-stained shirt and greenish cargo pants, and possibly even my green eyes. They were darker than his, but still green. I couldn't stand this awkward silence anymore.

"So where are you from?"

"I… don't know," Clank said. "The last place I remember was a factory where I found a flash drive with something strange on it."

Clank and I drove in silence for a while until my stomach grumbled. I stopped at a Quiktrip to get some food and got Clank a drink and a pretzel, per his request. When I got back to the car, Clank was waiting for me and we drove off again. We finally got to the small town around noon. The place seemed pretty welcoming, with a sign that said Welcome to Tobruk Crater. Enjoy your stay!

"Why are we here again?" I asked Clank.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Sorry," Clank said. He put the flash drive in a slot I had installed while I was building the car. A video played on the navigation screen. I watched as a rather short man in a neatly pressed brown suit addressed his audience – us. He had greasy black hair that was tied back in a ponytail, and he had a huge, smug grin on his face. He looked like a typical businessman. I could already tell he was up to something.

"Hello, citizens of Tobruk Crater," he said formally, "I am Chairman Drek. The people of my country have a small problem. Our cities are polluted and overpopulated and have become virtually uninhabitable. My troops will be evacuating your city and taking it over so that it may become the capital of the new country I am creating. Then, using technology you couldn't possibly understand, we will be moving choice cities from around the world to this location. Thank you for your time."

"Cut!" someone screamed from behind the camera.

"And if you don't like it," Drek continued, "You can take your whining, sniveling, snot-nosed populations, form a line behind me, and kiss my – Is it still on? Well turn it off, you idiot!"

I looked at Clank.

"The people in those cities are hosed!"

"I know," Clank said. "Will you help me attempt to stop Drek before he can carry out his plans?" I heard gunfire and a few fighter jets overhead. One of them peppered my car with bullets and launched a missile straight at it.


	2. Novalis: California, Part 1

"Out!" I yelled, throwing open the door as fast as I could and jumping out of the car onto the warm pavement. I saw Clank jump out on the other side, and he hit the pavement just before the missile destroyed my car and turned it into nothing but a burned, blackened metal carcass. All my hard work and any spare money I had over the past few years, GONE. Just like that. I tried not to scream.

"Well, looks like we're not leaving the way we came in," I said, looking at my car, resisting the urge to cry. Instead I pushed myself up and dusted myself off. Clank stood up and walked over to me.

"Perhaps one of the residents will loan us a car," he said with a hopeful look on his face.

"If there are any left," I said. "Let's go." After we walked for a while, we came across an area where there was a drop off with a small elevator. There was a cave system with a bunch of flowing water to our right. I looked over the cliff and saw a bunch of citizens being moved. If they resisted, they were shot. My body heated up and my fists clenched. Drek couldn't just do that. It was just wrong. I looked at the caves, and decided that was our best bet. There were no soldiers that I could see.

"This way looks like it's our best shot so far," I told Clank. I walked towards it and when I got there, I was ankle deep in water flowing into a grate at the start. I started to walk further, but the current got too strong and swept me off my feet, all the way back to the beginning. I stood up and noticed some climbable rock pillars. Clank noticed them, too.

"Ratchet, we should try climbing those," said Clank. I walked over to the first one and started climbing. Living in an area where there were a few mountains was really coming in handy now. Clank, however, looked like he was having a bit of trouble. Once I got to the top, I lowered my wrench, which somehow hadn't been damaged. I was going to use it if we got into trouble and needed a weapon. Clank grabbed the wrench and I pulled him up while he walked up the wall. Once he was up, I put my wrench on my back via a locking device I'd made for it. Then I looked at the obstacles ahead. It was really just a few jumps from rock platform to rock platform and a jump onto some kind of pumping mechanism that went up and down. When it went up, I noticed a doorway that was just a jump away from it. This was going to be fun. I jumped to the closest platform, but it was moist and I slipped, almost going over the edge. I was lucky to be able to hold onto the ledge and pull myself up. Thank god for leather gloves. I'd bought a pair at the Dollar Store when I was younger and wore them pretty much everywhere, all the time. I was a little more careful on the next jump, and I didn't slip. Clank wasn't able to jump the distance, though, and had I not grabbed his hand mid-air, he would have fallen. Judging by his scrawny form, he wouldn't have been able to hold on to the ledge. I pulled him up and stepped up to a higher point on the rock we were on. The platform was still going up and down. It came down, and I jumped. Almost as soon as my feet hit it, it shot up so fast it launched me into the air. I landed just before it went down again, and jumped to the open door. I watched as Clank did the same and met me in a small corridor that opened into a larger room. The first thing I noticed was the small – were those robots? No way. But whatever they were, they had glowing green eyes, razor sharp teeth, stingers, and wings. And they did not look friendly. One tried to bite me, and as a result I moved away from it, unfastened my wrench from its position on my back, and whacked it right between its eyes. The way its eyes flickered and got darker and the metallic noise it made when it slammed against the wall told me it was definitely a robot. But how? Robots in 2016? I smacked the remaining two, and shuddered.

"Well," I said with a little shake in my voice, "That was different."

"Indeed it was," Clank replied. To the left, there was a climbing area that led to another room. The first step was almost a foot taller than I was. That's saying a lot, too, because I was 5' 5". I jumped and started to climb it. I turned to see if Clank needed any help, but first I saw something glint on a ledge near the ceiling. There was a platform that led to it. I jumped down from where I was and actually noticed two walls, relatively close together. The beginning of the platform was at the top of one of the walls. I stood at the base of one of the walls, turned, and jumped at the opposite wall. Once I made contact with my hands and feet, I kicked off the wall and turned so I could repeat the process on the other wall. I did this until I reached the top, where I was able to walk over and examine the glinting object.

"What is it?" Clank asked.

"I don't know," I said. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. Then I walked over to where I had wall-jumped. I swung my legs over the edge and lowered myself so that I was hanging from my fingertips. I turned my head so I could see the ground, where Clank was patiently waiting. It was quite a drop. But it was my only choice. I let go and braced myself for a hard landing. I had pushed myself away from the wall. Dropping was a huge mistake.

"OW!" I yelled as my feet hit the ground. I bent my knees on the landing, but it still hurt.

"Are you hurt?" Clank said, rushing over to me.

"I'm fine," I said, still kneeling. "Let's go." I stood up and started to climb the giant step again. Clank managed to climb it with no problems whatsoever. The next two steps were smaller, and I walked up them with ease. Once I got to the top, the automatic door opened, revealing a room with a crevice in the middle. There were two robots about my size in the room, each with a blaster fitted on their arm. I walked towards the crevice and noticed that it was extremely deep, and if someone fell down it, it would mean certain death. There was a thin stream of water flowing at the bottom. I jumped the gap, and Clank did the same. That was when the robots started to shoot at us. _Well, I did want something different_, I thought. I dodged the shots while Clank ran and hid behind a pillar. One of the robots was reloading his blaster. I saw the opportunity and I took it. I yanked my wrench off my back again and brought it down on the robot's head with a loud "clang". It was done for, but its counterpart had just finished reloading. I ran at it, doing a zigzag pattern so as not to get hit. By the time I got there, it had run out of shots. That was my cue to destroy it. Instead of bringing my wrench down, I brought it sideways, expecting it to cut the robot in half. It didn't work, but it pushed it over near the crevice. I ran over before it could regain its balance and kicked it over the edge. I watched it fall, emotionless, before it slammed against the bottom in a fiery explosion. I walked over to where Clank was, still hiding behind the pillar.

"You can come out now," I said. I turned around as he came out and noticed a platform, just like the one that led us into the previous room. It was also moving up and down, and led into another small corridor with closed doors at the end. I jumped on it again, expecting the force this time. I used it to my advantage and ended up halfway across the corridor. The doors opened. I walked through, wrench at the ready, with Clank following not far behind. The room had no enemies in it. It consisted of three wide walkways with slightly wider canals of deep water. There were steps leading down to the water on both sides, in case someone fell in. I came up with a plan. I ran to the end of the first canal, where the stairs were, stepped back, ran, and jumped. I landed on the steps, just like I'd hoped. Clank tried the same thing, but didn't make it quite as far. He barely landed on the bottom step and almost lost his balance. I pulled him back and started to walk to the other end of this walkway to perform another jump. I jumped a little more confidently this time and made it further. Clank made it onto the steps with no assistance this time. There were more platform things going up and down, with the exception that there were two right next to each other. When one went down, the other would go up, and they would balance out in the middle when the other went down. Luckily, the lower one was low enough to climb on. I got on it and it shot up. I aimed for the second platform, landed, and it went up. While I was in the air, I noticed a very narrow catwalk that led to yet _another_ set of doors. I landed on the catwalk, and it shook a little. I moved and watched Clank fly into the air and land next to me. We walked carefully along the catwalk, and the doors opened for us. Another short hallway with another set of doors at the end. I was _not_ looking forward to the trip back. The next set of doors opened to reveal an overweight man who appeared to be fixing some broken pipes.

My humorous side got the best of me, so I said, "Look, plumber's crack," and snickered. The man whipped around and brandished a pipe wrench.

"What did you just say?" he said, threateningly waving the wrench.

"I said, 'Look, the plumber's back'," I said, trying to cover it up before that pipe wrench met my face.

"Alright, wise guy, shouldn't you be on one of those escape transports?"

"Escape transports?" I said.

"News flash!" the guy waved his arms, "Bombings all over the city! The escape transports are taking all the rich folks out of this god darn city!"

"So why aren't you on one?" I asked.

"Socioeconomic disparity," he said, sounding angry.

"What?"

"He hasn't got enough money," Clank translated.

"Working people have to wait for the military to save us!" The Plumber spat.

"Got anything that's worth a lot of money?" I said.

"I got this thing," he said, holding up a small floating robot by its neck. "Shows two weirdos ditching their ship. It's got coordinates, too."

"An Infobot," Clank said, looking at me, "Ratchet, we could use that." I felt the weight of that glinting thing I'd pocketed earlier. I pulled it out and showed it to him.

"Any idea what this is?" I asked.

"Oh, you want to keep that," he said. "That's a Gadgetron Weapons Pass. That gives you the right to buy any weapon you choose, if you have the right amount of Bolts."

"Bolts?" I asked, putting the card in my wallet. It might come in handy.

"Yeah," The Plumber said. "Our city's currency just changed a few days ago. Instead of dollars and cents, we have Bolts now."

"I remember the currency had just changed to Bolts before I left where I came from, too," Clank said.

"Is there an exchange anywhere?" I asked, pulling out my wallet and looking at the now useless hundred dollar bill I had.

"I can go exchange it, and we'll trade. You get the Infobot, I get a ticket outta here," The Plumber replied. I reluctantly forked over my hard-earned money, and he gave up the Infobot. He ran to a nearby sewer pipe flowing with sparkling clean water and jumped in, sliding through it.

"Did he just slide down the sewer pipe?" I asked with a disgusted look on my face.


	3. Novalis: California, Part 2

The Infobot turned on to reveal a video of professional hoverboarder Skid McMarx and someone who appeared to be his agent in a car. Skid was freaking out while his agent was tapping furiously at a cell phone. Missiles were hitting the ground everywhere, nearly destroying the car. They were headed towards Daytona International Raceway, according to their GPS. In light of the recent cancellation of NASCAR, the race track had been converted into a hoverboard track. I had never been there before. My attention turned back to the video for a second after hearing Skid and his agent screaming. A missile hit the side of the road, sending their car out of control. The ejector seats activated and the two were sent off in different directions. The video ended.

"Did you see that guy on the left?" I asked. Clank shook his head.

"That was Skid McMarx!"

"Can he help us?"

"I doubt it," I said, "He's a pro hoverboarder, always going off about how 'cool' he is."

"Do you think they're okay?"

"Probably. Those new cars have every safety measure you can think of." I looked at the coordinates on the screen. "If we want to go there, we've got a long drive. Just look at where the escape pods landed. We'd be in the Everglades, in Florida. Assuming we can find a car." I looked through the glass wall that made up most of the room. All the remaining citizens were being forced out of the city, and if they resisted, they were shot. I didn't see any cars or trucks. But it was the only way we could go. And speaking of ways to go,

"I am _not_ going back the way we came here," I said. "We're taking the Plumber's route." I ran to the sewer pipe, with Clank following behind, and lowered myself into the ankle deep water. It swept me off my feet and I was sent headlong into whatever was at the end of the pipe. Go figure, it took us right back to where we started. Right after I got up, Clank came flying into me and knocked me over. I got up again and walked to the top of the cliff. The crater was now completely devoid of life. Organic life, anyway. Robots were everywhere, all of them similar to the ones I'd just destroyed with my wrench. I could never destroy that many robots with just my wrench. I'd need some kind of weapon. Luckily, I noticed a Gadgetron vendor to my right. A brief history of Gadgetron: In 2014, Google was the company that owned everything. Google had a search engine, an email system, a social networking site, an app/music store like iTunes, Google Drive (a document writing thing), and they owned YouTube. But towards the end of 2013, they started to mess everything up. Their first mistake was creating Google +, their social networking site. Then they messed up almost everything about YouTube, and took over every Samsung phone with Google + autobackup. Then the people started to revolt, and Google was knocked back to nothing but a search engine, an email service, and Google Drive. YouTube separated itself from Google and became its own site. The next big company was Gadgetron, who mainly developed weapons. Now they have transportation, and a whole line of cool gadgets. I opened the vendor, and was presented with two weapons: a Bomb Glove, and a fancy flamethrower called the Pyrocitor. The Bomb Glove was free. I got it. It enabled me to throw bombs at my enemies, and the bombs would explode on contact. Now I was ready to go down into the crater. I closed the vendor and stepped on the elevator with Clank. It took us down at an angle at an alarming rate. When we reached the ground, I could've sworn the jolt knocked one of my kidneys loose.

I jumped off the elevator and saw another robot with a blaster. I threw a bomb, which hit the robot in the chest. Before it could even react, it was blown to pieces. I had to dodge one of its arms, propelled by the force of the explosion. This was going to be fun. One of the smaller bots slowly walked closer and tried to bite me. It was slow, and I managed to dodge it. It was too close to bomb it and it was gearing up for another attack, so I kicked it away. This gave me time to pull out my wrench and whack the robot across the planet. I decided that since these things could fly, I'd call them Birdbots. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Clank slowly climbing off of the elevator platform. I looked around, decided there was no threat, and waited for Clank to catch up to me.

"The best way for us to survive this would be to run, only fighting when absolutely necessary," he said. "If we cross that bridge, we should be able to get to the crater."

"Good idea, but what if we get separated? You don't have a weapon."

"You make a good point. Those robots will provide us with Bolts if you hit them hard enough. Then we can purchase the Pyrocitor."

"Sounds like a plan," I said. So while Clank hid in some bushes, I charged off into the battlefield, throwing bombs everywhere. Pretty soon, Bolts were flying at me from every direction. I stepped over robot parts on my way back to Clank. We both climbed onto the elevator and went to the Gadgetron vendor. I had just enough Bolts to buy the Pyrocitor, so when I got it, I tossed it to Clank. He almost fell over under the weight of it. Once he managed to regain his balance, we hopped onto the elevator again. We still had the bridge to cross, and then whatever was on the other side of that and in the crater. I entered the building connected to the bridge, Clank close behind me. Three Birdbots were in a room together. After ending their miserable lives, we went up onto the bridge. Three of the larger robots, using jets in their backs, landed on the bridge. So, I ran across the area, throwing bombs in every direction while Clank waited on the elevator, watching in absolute fascination. The glove made a clicking sound. I was out of bombs, in the middle of battle. Crap. I brought out my wrench and started swinging at everything in sight. After a few minutes, I ended up standing in the center of a pile of robot parts, and I'd earned enough Bolts for Clank to have his Pyrocitor. We got back on the elevator and reactivated the Gadgetron vendor. I bought the Pyrocitor, as well as some ammo for my Bomb Glove. I pointed to a bridge, which I hadn't been near yet.

"Let's go across the bridge," I said.

"That sounds like a good idea," Clank said, getting back on the elevator with his weapon on his back. I laughed. He was so tiny, and the Pyrocitor was almost twice his size. I took out my phone and got a picture.

"I do not see what is so funny," he said, which made it even more hilarious.

"Let's just go," I said. The elevator went down at its usual extremely fast pace, and we jumped off at the bottom. I started running towards the bridge, with Clank not too far behind. There were no more robots on this side of the area, but there were tons of those little Birdbots across the bridge. I climbed the steps, and stopped to catch my breath for a moment. I was lucky I stopped. A giant plane flew over the city, and shot three giant holes in the bridge, making its structure extremely unstable. Just making it across with my weight would be a challenge.

"Okay," I said when Clank caught up. "Follow my _every_ move. One misstep, and we're both falling into that river, with no other hope of getting across." With that, I started to move carefully, until I reached the middle of the bridge. I saw a metal beam that ran straight to the end, and started to run across it. I failed to notice it was moist, and I slipped. I would have fallen into the water if it wasn't for the fact that I'd instinctively grabbed the railing.

"Are you okay?" Clank asked, still moving carefully.

"Peachy," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. I started to slowly move my hands across the ledge until I reached the end, where I was able to pull myself up. Clank reached the end shortly after, and we started moving again. I jogged down the stairs, and stopped so I could assess the situation. There were at least 20 Birdbots, and 5 of their larger yellow counterparts. They noticed us, and landed on the ground, one by one. I produced a bomb, and Clank got the Pyrocitor ready. I threw a few bombs into the crowd, and several of them exploded. I jumped out of the way just as Clank let loose for the first time with his flamethrower. It was almost mesmerizing to watch. His glasses glowed, his hair shone, and anything that came close to the flames was melted into a molten sludge. He started to move forward, and I watched his expressionless mouth form an ear-to-ear grin. A funny situation immediately became creepy. I regained my thoughts and started to run ahead of him, lobbing bombs here and there. I sidestepped a shot from one of the larger robots, slipped behind him, and cut his head clean off with the blade of my wrench. Clank had melted all the Birdbots, and that left 4 big ones. I threw a bomb at one, and missed. The bomb hit a rock wall, and caused some rocks to roll off the top and smash the robot. Clank destroyed another one with the Pyrocitor, and we both took out the last 2 separately. There was a big open cul-de-sac ahead of us, so that's where we went. For the time being, there was nothing there. But when we reached the opening, a minivan drove up from behind. It stopped in the center, and 3 big robots followed it. I blew one out of the air, Clank combusted one's jetpack, and I threw my wrench at the last one. It lodged in its blaster, causing it to explode when it attempted to fire a shot. My wrench flew back through the air, and landed next to me. I picked it up, dusted it off, and attached it to my back. A door of the minivan opened. I grabbed a bomb, in case the occupant was hostile.

On the contrary, he whined, "Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! What are you? Mercenaries? Torturers? Assassins? I'll tell you anything. Here, take my Infobot, it's all I've got left."

"Sir, we're not assass-" Clank started, but I cut him off.

"Hang on, let's see what he's got." A small robot flew out from the van, and opened a screen in front of us. It began to play an advertisement for a tech store in New York City. It was pretty cheesy, and it starred the most well-known man on the planet, Captain Qwark. That's not his real name, though. Rumor has it that it's Copernicus. He's an actor who stars in several superhero movies, and he's also pretty much a real one too. He's also the guy that girls swoon over whenever they hear his name. The ad ended, and the Infobot showed the address of the tech shop. I took a picture of it. He would be a real asset to have in stopping Drek.

"Do you know what this means?" Clank asked.

"Yeah. Captain Qwark has really sold out."

"It means," Clank rolled his eyes, "That Captain Qwark is in New York. We could tell him about Drek and his plans."

"If we had a car," I reminded him.

"A car?" the man asked. "You're not going to torture me? Well, as city mayor I suppose I could loan you one!" As if on cue, a brand new hovercar came into the cul-de-sac. It was the latest model of the Toyota 4Runner, painted a metallic green.

"Thank you so much, sir," Clank and I said in unison.

"It's not a problem, boys," he replied, and got back in his minivan. His chauffeur drove off, leaving us alone with the Infobot and the 4Runner.

"Well, let's go! I want to drive this thing!" Clank opened the passenger door, grabbed the Infobot, and got in. I got in on the driver's side and started the car. It was a beautiful thing, the way all its systems started up. The screen in the center showed a map, and I asked Clank where we should go first.

"It doesn't seem like Drek is in any hurry, so I think we should go see if Skid and his friend are okay."

"Then Florida it is, pal."


	4. Aridia: Florida

Yes, I know this is a short chapter. But hey, it's a short planet. Enjoy!

It took us a few days to reach Florida, and there were several rest stops. Some to buy gas, others to pee, and still others for snacks. We reached the swamp, where we had to park the 4Runner. It couldn't go any further without getting stuck. What made matters worse was the fact that it was night when we got there. Clank and I got out, grabbed our weapons, and headed in the direction of the coordinates. According to our GPS, Skid was really close. Beginner's luck, I guess. I saw him, not too far away, and began to move towards him.

"It's him! Skid McMarx!" I exclaimed.

"That man from the Infobot," Clank clarified.

"In the flesh, little dudes!" Skid said, happily. "My agent and I got ambushed on the way to hoverboard practice. We still don't know why!"

"Did he survive the crash, sir?" Clank asked.

"Ah, he's ok. But I've had a little trouble getting back to my escape pod, due to my allergies. If you can take out all the mosquitoes and their nests, I just might have a spare hoverboard for you!"

"Sounds good. You just stay here and wait for us," I said.

"Ratchet, we do not have time for this," Clank said sternly, but still following me.

"Just use your flamethrower thingy. We'll be outta here in no time." Clank fired the Pyrocitor, and it was almost like a chain reaction. One mosquito flew into the other, and pretty soon it was like the air itself was on fire. Clank stopped, allowing some of the flames to die down. We made our way to all of the nests, destroying one after the other. It was fun, watching them explode. After about 5 minutes, we had cleared the entire area of mosquitoes and nests. Skid came running past us, all the way to his escape pod. He leaned into it and grabbed something.

"Here man, catch."

"A brand new Z-3000! You can't even buy these!" I said, excitement washing over my face. Clank looked at me like I was crazy.

"Well, I gotta go find my agent," Skid said. "See you at the races!" And that was that. I set the hoverboard down and activated it, riding alongside Clank as he walked back to the car.

"How cool is this?" I asked, rhetorically.

"Very," Clank rolled his eyes. "Can we go to New York now? We must find Captain Qwark!"

"Fine, we'll leave now." Once we got back to the car, I set the hoverboard gently in the back. The Infobot, which had stayed with us, floated around it for a minute, before deciding it was safe to go back to sleep. I got in the driver's seat again, and Clank took his usual spot in the passenger's seat. We drove off with an awkward silence between the two of us.


End file.
